The true believers of the Flying Spaghetti Monster religion are known as Pastafarians and they believe that the Flying Spaghetti Monster was an invisible and utterly unknowable entity that created the universe in this order: mountains, trees and a midget. (Although, I believe they prefer to be known as little people, for reasons I cannot quite fathom.) Believers are fond of giving proof of their version of the creation of the universe by saying that even though nobody was actually around to see the monster create the universe, there is a written account of it, so that obviously means it must be true.
Yes, just in case you didn’t get it, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is satire of a Swiftian dimension. The Pastafarians are using their monster creator myth to satirize the very basis of introducing intelligent design into the educational system of America. The Pastafarians were founded by one Mr. Bob Henderson directly as a counterpoint to the insanity that took place in Kansas when the state Board of Education—now that’s irony—voted to mandate the requirement that intelligent design be offered in schools alongside evolution. The movement is no simplistic theory, either; the “Bible” of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is an exercise in taking parody to the limit. For instance, the Flying Spaghetti Monster has this wonderful tool called the Noodly Appendage that allows him to mess with scientists. Any time a scientists declares an artifact to be older than the FSM canonical texts would indicate the earth actually is, that is the work of the monster using his Noodly Appendage to trick mankind. Dinosaur fossils only appear to be millions of years old, you see, because the Flying Spaghetti Monster planted them with age as part of his its grand design.
Of course, what would a religion be without some prophets and commandments, eh? (I’m practicing speaking Canadian now because when Bush introduces a draft as his last act of insanity, I’m taking my young boys the Great White North. Um..eh.) Mosey the Pirate is the great first prophet of the Pastafarian religion and he received 12 commandments directly from the Flying Spaghetti Monster while atop Mt. Salsa. Unfortunately, two of the commandments were dropped on the way down the mountain. These commandments were technically called I’d Really Rather You Didn’ts by the Flying Spaghetti Monster:
1. I’d Really Rather You Didn’t Act Like a Sanctimonious Holier-Than-Thou Ass When Describing My Noodly Goodness. If Some People Don’t Believe In Me, That’s Okay. Really, I’m Not That Vain. Besides, This Isn’t About Them So Don’t Change The Subject.
2. I’d Really Rather You Didn’t Use My Existence As A Means To Oppress, Subjugate, Punish, Eviscerate, And/Or, You Know, Be Mean To Others. I Don’t Require Sacrifices And Purity Is For Drinking Water, Not People.
3. I’d Really Rather You Didn’t Judge People For The Way They Look, Or How They Dress, Or The Way They Talk, Or, Well, Just Play Nice, Okay? Oh, And Get This In Your Thick Heads: Woman = Person. Man = Person. Samey – Samey. One Is Not Better Than The Other, Unless We’re Talking About Fashion And I’m Sorry, But I Gave That To Women And Some Guys Who Know The Difference Between Teal and Fuchsia.
4. I’d Really Rather You Didn’t Indulge In Conduct That Offends Yourself, Or Your Willing, Consenting Partner Of Legal Age AND Mental Maturity. As For Anyone Who Might Object, I Think The Expression Is Go [expletive deleted] Yourself, Unless They Find That Offensive In Which Case They Can Turn Off the TV For Once And Go For A Walk For A Change.
5. I’d Really Rather You Didn’t Challenge The Bigoted, Misogynist, Hateful Ideas Of Others On An Empty Stomach. Eat, Then Go After The Bastard
6. I’d Really Rather You Didn’t Build Multimillion-Dollar Churches/Temples/Mosques/Shrines To My Noodly Goodness When The Money Could Be Better Spent (Take Your Pick):
1. Ending Poverty
2. Curing Diseases
3. Living In Peace, Loving With Passion, And Lowering The Cost Of Cable
I Might be a Complex-Carbohydrate Omniscient Being, But I Enjoy The Simple Things In Life. I Ought To Know. I AM the Creator.
7. I’d Really Rather You Didn’t Go Around Telling People I Talk To You. You’re Not That Interesting. Get Over Yourself. And I Told You To Love Your Fellow Man, Can’t You Take A Hint?
8. I’d Really Rather You Didn’t Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You If You Are Into, Um, Stuff That Uses A Lot of Leather/Lubricant/Las Vegas. If the Other Person Is Into It, However (Pursuant To #4), Then Have At It, Take Pictures, And For The Love Of Mike, Wear a CONDOM! Honestly, It’s A Piece of Rubber. If I Didn’t Want It To Feel Good When You Did It I Would Have Added Spikes, Or Something.
Don’t you just wish that more Republicans subscribed to the Pastafarianism than their criminal corruption of Christianity?