In the second of the five books that make up the woefully mislabeled Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy trilogy, the two-headed President of the Galaxy Zaphod Beeblebrox is sentenced to the single worst punishment known in the universe: the Total Perspective Vortex. This is a machine engineered to show those who enter their actual place in the grandest of all things, the universe. Nobody who had entered before Zaphod Beeblebrox had come out as anything more than a babbling vegetable; something along the lines of Rush Limbaugh or Rectal Noun (it’s an anagram; figure it out). Zaphod, however, exits the Total Perspective Vortex fully convinced of his own brilliance and uniqueness and his rightful place at the center of the universe. It is not difficult to imagine that were George W. Bush to enter into a Total Perspective Vortex the result would be the same. For George W. Bush is a real life Zaphod Beeblebrox.
Zaphod, you see, was elected President of the Galaxy, unlike George W. Bush, of course, who appointed by the Supreme Court. But just like Zaphod, George W. Bush he had no actual idea what he was doing as President and merely set about on a series of grand schemes that he appeared to be making up as he went along. Sound like somebody you know? Brash, arrogant, insensitive to the needs of anyone but himself, and as stupid as a bag of Paula Abduls, Zaphod might well be said to represent the very epitome of what a leader should not be as well as a precursor of things that not even the most accurate of psychics could ever have predicted. Of course, in Zaphod’s case, the Total Perspective Vortex he entered was more a simulated reality as it was set in a dimension created for him, but can we really doubt that George W. Bush has the ability to step into any Total Perspective Vortex in any dimension and walk out thoroughly convinced that he is the most important thing in the galaxy?
To suggest that I am suggesting that George W. Bush exists in a dimension that is thoroughly oppositional to any temporal reality that any of the rest us exists in is to suggest that I believe the President of the United States is delusional. Yeah, well, the facts certainly support this, don’t they, man? Bush has dressed down Vladimir Putin for not creating a democratic government that is completely open while he himself has overseen the single most secretive democracy in the history of the world. George W. Bush has demonstrated an amazingly Zaphod Beeblebrox-like ability to look at economic statistics that even conservative Republican economists admit show the United States is in a recession and yet has faced the cameras and told America that the economy is not in bad shape, but just experiencing a momentary stall in growth. Just for the record, there is a huge different between not moving forward and actually moving backward. Please to tell the President this should thou ever have the sad occasion to meet him. Zaphod Beeblebrox is so delusional that he thinks he is the center of the universe. George W. Bush is so delusional that he hasn’t yet killed himself to spare himself the sad spectacle of living for another thirty years or so and watching as every historian finally agrees on something: he was the worst President ever.
Yes, truly, there can be no question that Zaphod Beeblebrox is alive and well and is masquerading as George W. Bush. Well, maybe not. After all, it must be admitted that though Zaphod Beeblebrox is incredibly stupid, he is also quite cool. And except for maybe Laura Bush when she was bent over on all fours with a line of cocaine running down her back, it is safe to bet that nobody in any galaxy at any time ever thought of George W. Bush as cool.