Ferengi Rules of Acquisition and American Capitalism

It has been noted by those with a penchant for keen intuition that among all the species to populate the universe of Star Trek, the big-eared, sharp-toothed Ferengi resemble humanity more than even the humans of the Star Trek federation. While Kirk, Picard, and even Sisko, along with their crews, seem to have more in common with some bizarre alien race than with the humans that have populated the earth for millennia (let us never speak of Janeway and her boring crew), the Ferengi bring to mind the pettiness and greed of our race in ways that conservatives would jump into the denial to avoid. Show one of the actors playing journalists on Fox News a Ferengi and they would run screaming from the idea that these physically repulsive figures represent their worldview in any way. And yet, when one reads the Ferengi Rules of Acquisition, one cannot but think of the Big Business interests who, along with a lot of help from Bush and Cheney, brought America to the brink of economic collapse. The Ferengi are a race that adhere strongly to a long list of Rules of Acquisition and it is these rules that make this Star Trek species so much more human than even the humans.

Ferengi Rule of Acquisition 1: Once you have their money…never give it back.

Did you hear the joke about the big banks that received billions from the Bush bailout and how they have decided to raise interest rates on their customers? It’s not a joke. No, the joke is that a law was put into place to disallow this offensive move…but the law won’t take effect until 2010, by which time every single credit card customer in America will see their already usury-level rates skyrocket. Yes, the banks of America took our money from the misguided bailout and they certainly have no intention of giving it back. Like the big-eared Star Trek aliens known as the Ferengi.

Ferengi Rule of Acquisition 10: Greed is Eternal.

Have you never been amazed at just how much rich people in America will fight to keep their money even after death? Apparently, rich people know something that the Ferengi know, but honest people don’t. The willingness of America’s politicians to give rich people whatever they want has resulted in people like Paris Hilton. Greed is definitely eternal among America’s elite; they will do all their power to ensure poor little kids starve to death rather than make brain-dead sluts have to buy shoes that don’t cost $500.

Ferengi Rule of Acquisition 27: There is nothing more dangerous than an honest businessman.

Hmm, I guess this rules only applies in the Star Trek universe. Have any of you ever actually met an honest businessman? Probably a better chance of my coming up with the secret to making Star Trek beaming a reality.

Ferengi Rule of Acquisition 35: War is good for business.

Yeah, well, the last eight years has proven that well enough. Dick Cheney’s old company Halliburton was selling around $15 a share in 2003. By 2008, Halliburton’s stock price was over $60 a share. Yeah, war is definitely good for business. Wonder just how much money Dick Cheney personally made by manufacturing his own private little war? Know what I wish? I wish I could win some kind of contest where the winner gets to go hunting with Dick Cheney. Just one bullet would make me so incredibly happy. Right in his face. And I don’t mean birdshot.

Ferengi Rule of Acquisition 45: Expand or die.

In the not-so-distant future every single business in America will be owned by ATT, Walmart, or News Corp. The Reagan Revolution began this movement toward deconstructing every single anti-trust law and regulation in the country. Reason number 727 why Ronald Reagan may well have been the most dangerous President of the 20th century. The Star Trek universe seems to exist pretty well without competition in the business arena; we will die if unregulated expansion is allowed to continue.

Ferengi Rule of Acquisition 60: Keep your lies consistent.

“Sir, despite the fact that we arrived to speak to Congress in private planes that cost five million dollars a year to clean, the automotive industry will die if you don’t give us money.” Repeat that lie often enough and John Boehner will believe it. Of course, John Boehner believes every lie that Rush Limbaugh tells him to believe, so that’s not a big deal. Still, it’s not true that every businessman in America lies consistently. In fact, quite a few of them tell so many lies on a daily basis that they can’t keep them straight. No big deal, however, since Congress doesn’t care.

Ferengi Rule of Acquisition 99: Truth is the biggest liability of all.

Not that anyone would know, of course. Americans have been pummeled over the head with the lies perpetrated by Big Business and compounded by Congress and Bush and Dick “Man, I’d Like to Waterboard” Cheney that we’ll probably never know the truth about anything again.

Ferengi Rule of Acquisition 177: Know your enemies, but do business with them always.

Donald Rumsfeld and Dick Cheney can tell you all about doing business with your enemies. Back when the leaders of Al-Qaeda were known as the Mujahedeen, Dumbsfailed and the man I would gladly pay to shoot in the face with a Magnum .44 were nearly sleeping with the enemy. They don’t like you to remind them of how they used to be in cahoots with Osama Bin Laden. But guess what: they were in cahoots with OSAMA BIN LADEN! In fact, if it weren’t for Rumsfeld and Cheney, Osama Bin Laden might never have become the most famous terrorist in the world.

Ferengi Rule of Acquisition 202: The justification for profit is profit.

This little goodie should by law be placed on every single advertisement in America. It is the lifeblood of these bastards.