How to Disarm a Gun-Wielding Punk

Defending yourself from an attack is never an easy decision to make. Many security experts advise just doing whatever an attacker says, especially if they have a gun. But you don’t necessarily have to stand for being a pawn in a brutal game of who knows the most about attack and defense.

You’ve seen it done in the movies a thousand times because it really can be done. If someone pulls a piece (a roscoe, revolver, heat, justice pump, equalizer, heater or, well, just plain gun) on you and you decide to tempt Fortuna’s circling hand of fate by trying to disarm instead of just standing there and reading the Second Amendment over and over again in an attempt to find out where exactly it is in the Constitution that says everybody has the right to own a gun, start by twisting yourself counterclockwise to the gun. Take hold of the wrist holding the gun with your right hand and grab the barrel of the gun with your left hand. (Reverse if you are left-handed.) Push down with a mighty need with your right and while you zip that left hand up.

What you are attempting to do here is to aim the gun upward while placing pressure upon the trigger finger of Second Amendment trophy case. Bend that trigger finger as far backward as you can, even if it means hearing that sickly crunching sound of a finger breaking. In fact, you WANT to hear the sound of his trigger finger crunching. By this time the poor kid with a penis the size of your pinky should be so confused that you are actually fighting back—and winning—that he won’t know what to do. Further compromise his tenuous grasp on reality by screaming as loudly as you possibly can. You want to unbalance as well as scare him into thinking you may just possibly be a lunatic. The barrel of the gun should still be pointed skyward and the attacker should right about now be screaming himself because, well, you just broke his trigger finger.

What you want to do now is pull down hard with your left hand—the hand holding the barrel of the gun—so that it slips rather easily from the grasp of the poor deluded fool who thinks that the Second Amendment will still be enough to keep him out of prison for assault with a deadly weapon. (Nicolas Cage’s character in Raising Arizona got it wrong: it is assault with a deadly weapon even if the gun ain’t loaded.)

Don’t make the same mistake yourself. Don’t turn the gun on the attacker who should now be bent over in pain and possibly vomiting from a combination of frustration and fear. You can point the gun at him, but don’t threaten to shoot him. Instead, grab for the nearest cell phone and dial 911.