The Betty

[Update: This article was written BEFORE the premiere of the show “Riverdale” which reveals–for the first time–a Betty that is superior in every way to Veronica.]

I suppose in some alternative universe that Archie, of the Archie comic book series, would go for blonde, All-American Betty. But I find it highly dubious. Not when sultry brunette Veronica is right there looking all svelte and cat-like or even catwoman-like. What Archie in his right mind would go for Betty when Veronica’s room offers the enticement of fantasy fulfillment?

Betty…

The Betty is my new term for the passive dismissal of the wrong side of an obvious choice. The Betty became my new slang of choice following an episode of The Big Bang Theory in which a comic book geek (who was also, surprisingly, a hunky athletic type; hence, the humor) has a penchant for collecting Archie comics and we learn that Archie exists in two separate universes: one in which he is married to Betty and the other in which he is married to Veronica.

Betty…

I mean seriously, what does Betty even have to offer over Veronica? Forget about the darkly beautiful looks compared to the dimebag-a-dozen blonde pom-pom girl looks of Betty. (The real problem with Betty is not that she literally has blonde hair but that she is the very personification of the worst attributes handed to literal blondes by those who are, most likely, simply jealous.) Veronica entices with the lurid promises of the bad girl. Yes, of course, Veronica would be a handful, but the result would be worth it. Nothing gained too easily is worth gaining, after all. Blondes may have more fun, but brunettes are more fun.

Whenever you come across an obvious choice, then, you simply shake your head, give a little snort or smirk of superiority, and dispatch the subject with a dismissive, “Betty.” You may even want to roll your eyes. For instance, let’s say that your friend has just come from the theater where he used the same ticket to watch “The Simpsons Movie” and “Surf’s Up.” Your response should be thus: “Surf’s Up?” A shake of the head, a smirk and then:

“Betty…”

Another example: Let us presume that you are with your friends and the decision on what to have for dinner has arisen. The air is fraught with possibilities both tempting and tasteless. And then, apparently in all seriousness, someone says, “What about Applebee’s?” Your response? In this case, you don’t even need to repeat the offending noun. Just shake your head with a touch of sadness at the inferiority of the mind (so-called) who just made the odious suggestion. Give a minor snort. And then.

“Betty…”

Now that you know how to incorporate the Betty into your daily vernacular, I urge you all to go forth into the world and educate all those Jugheads and Palins who just don’t get it.

Palin?

“Betty…”