For those of you who have just recently arrived from a cave hidden deep beneath the rusty surface of Mars, plans are afoot for the conclusion to George Lucas’ original conception of the “Star Wars” saga to trek across nine different movies. You would have an easier time trying to find rock solid evidence of the existence of the mythological liberal media in America than finding a way to avoid hearing the news that episodes 7, 8 and 9 of the “Star Wars” epic are going to be coming to a theater near you.
The biggest news thus far is a toss-up between the fact that J.J. Abrams is scheduled to handle directorial duties for both the “Star Trek” and “Star Wars” franchises and the fact that the three actors who originated the iconic roles of Luke, Leia and Han are almost certain to return. Signatures remain to be imprinted on the dotted line, but a much bigger surprise at this point would seem to be the total absence of Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford in at least one of the next “Star Wars” movies.
Care to guess the single biggest non-surprise to arrive so far in the wake of the excitement (or lack thereof) of a new entry in the “Star Wars” canon?
Already, before a script featuring a character named Princess Leia has been produced, much less before Carrie Fisher has committed to the project, the talk has moved toward Fisher needing to lose weight to take on the role of Anakin Skywalker’s long-lost daughter. Perhaps it is because Leia is the only one of the three characters to appear in the original “Star Wars” trilogy in a daring futuristic bikini that bared more skin than it covered. Or, more likely, it is because Carrie Fisher has ovaries.
Why should Carrie Fisher, now in her mid-50s, have to lose weight in order to step back into her shoes bought a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away? By which I mean, of course, Hollywood. Why did England’s Daily Mail feature a story with an accompanying photo of a three decades younger Carrie Fisher attired in her infamous bikini from “Return of the Jedi” with the headline “Will she don THAT bikini?” but not a story asking if Harrison Ford will be donning THOSE tight cavalry pants he wore in the same film?
If Carrie Fisher is to hop into a wayback machine and course through time in excess of the speed of light to return back to those long-ago days in that distance galaxy when she stood as part of the triad of heroes standing up to the empire, apparently she is going to have to reinvent herself in a way that measures up to how Princess Leia looked three decades ago. Nobody is suggesting that Mark Hamill or Harrison Ford need to try to regain the bodies the sported in their prime. Because she is a woman, however, it would appear that bodily reinvention is going to be contractually obligated on the part of Carrie Fisher.
One can only make the leap of faith that in galaxies far, far away, lithe young Princesses don’t get the chance to grow outward as they grow older.