Does Bigfoot Exist?

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Does Bigfoot exist? Is Batman a transvestite? Who knows? It must be assumed that more people believe Bigfoot exists than that Batman is wearing a sexy leather thong beneath his costume because in this homophobic land in which we live, it is highly dubious that Batman movies could make big money if anyone truly suspected that Michael Keaton, George Clooney or Christian Bale were fighting evildoers with their buttcheeks hanging on either side of the thong. Okay, that was probably the last time the word thong will appear in this article.

Bigfoot has supposedly been seen by at least slightly credible witnesses going way back to the 1800s. (Of course, we can’t include any evidence forwarded by Native Americans because, as we all learned from watching the movies, Indians are a bunch drunken idiots who see all kinds of things that didn’t exist.) It would kind of hard to mistake Bigfoot for most other large hairy creatures: according to witnesses Bigfoot—or Sasquatch, or the Yeti, or the Momo or the Skunk Age, depending on where you live—is an animal so large that he could eat not only all of Donald Trump’s self-righteous indignation at anyone who disagrees with him, but all of Donald Trump’s self-satisfaction at a job well done, too, and still not get full. Yes, truly, Bigfoot is an impressive beast; its average height is seven and a half feet tall, its weight is said be between 400-500 pounds and it is covered in only slightly less fur than Robin Williams.

More than a few million Americans express doubt that such a monumental beast could actually survive in the increasingly encroached upon wilderness of this country. They suggest that the evidence would be a slam dunk that Bigfoot exists; that there would be a carcass or at least some droppings that could almost flummox the DNA experts on CSI. Without this hardcore evidence that absolutely offers proof of the existence of Bigfoot, these millions of Americans will remain satisfied that they are completely safe in their homes.

The very first known Bigfoot sighting took place near a little hamlet in the Golden State. A reporter filed a story that claimed a “gorilla man” was on the loose in the nearby woods. Just to show that the media has always been quick to grasp onto fear as a method of keeping the attention of the public and that it isn’t a recent thing, the newspaper declared that it unsafe to venture forth into public unless necessary. In the first year of the last century—1901 for all you people who don’t know how to count to ten—a Bigfoot sighting took place up in Canada, eh. A lumberjack came back with the report of seeing a “man beast” cleansing itself in the river. For some reason, the lumberjack lumbered after the man beast who, upon seeing what he no doubt thought was a bear beast, fled into the forest. The lumberjack reported that the tracks left behind were man-like, only bigger than average.

On October 20, 1967, Roger Patterson and Bob Gimlin went horseback riding in Bluff Creek in the northern, less star-studded section of California. Even though they both knew that Bigfoot had allegedly been spotted here before, they told whoever would listen that their jaws dropped at the sight before them. Of course, everyone knows what that sight was. Even though they have since claimed it was all staged, there is a valid reason to believe this confession was made merely in the hopes of landing a movie deal. Let’s face it, the statute of limitations on how these guys could benefit from actual footage of Bigfoot ran out long ago. Ah, but selling a story about how they faked it?

Several researchers who have studied the Patterson film still maintain that Bigfoot doesn’t move like a human in a suit would. In addition, the ability to create such a sophisticated Bigfoot costume such as exists in the movie was beyond any but the elite. In fact, it has been determined that at the time there only a company with the artistic abilities of a movie studio could have made the suit. Does anyone really believe that a movie studio would wasted all that effort on a grainy 8mm film?

Too bad he wasn’t wearing a thong.