7. The Cast of Married With Children.
Did you ever wonder why a laugh track begin guffawing after every single line utter by every single cast member of Married With Children? Because it was the only way that any of these depressing characters could possibly garner even a titter. I think I actually managed to sit through an entire episode of Married With Children once, but when it was over and I finally zoned back into reality just a second before it would have been too late if I had been holding a loaded gun to my temple.
It is beyond belief to think that Joanie really loved Chachi. Fonzie’s nephew was extraordinarily annoying and proves that a character doesn’t have to be unlikable to be exasperating. Chachi is likable enough, I suppose, but there is just something about him that peeves me and most of the rest of the American population who were around in the 70’s. Maybe it was the fact that he had hair longer than the Beatles during the late 1950s. Maybe it was that wah-wah-wah excuse for a catch phrase. Or maybe it was just because he added absolutely nothing positive to Happy Days. They already had the cool guy, the nice guy, the funny guy and the nerd. Chachi was the very epitome of an extraneous character without whom a sitcom would not have been any worse and would have been incredibly better. And maybe some day someone will tell me just what the hell kind of name is Chachi. Then, as if his acting wasn’t annoying enough, Scott Baio turns out to be a Trump supporter! Some people are just born to annoy, I guess. Don’t even get me started on the half-shirt!
5. The Cast of Friends.
How on earth did a show with six entirely uncharismatic actors playing six entirely annoying characters ever become such a hit? With the exception of the animated show Family Guy, I cannot think of a single sitcom in American television history that does not have at least one main character I would not want to murder if I were forced to live next to them. Every single person on Friends, as well as every single actor, is the kind of human being that causes mass murder sprees.
4. Lucy Ricardo
Yeah, I know, everyone loves Lucy. Shh. Listen. Come closer. Do you wanna hear a secret? I have never personally known anybody who actually loved “I Love Lucy.” I had a choice on this one; I could either go with Lucy Ricardo or Roseanne. I finally went with Lucy Ricardo because she is the sitcom wife icon and so by all rights should never land on a list like this. Is there really anyone who doesn’t cringe upon surfing across I Love Lucy on TV Land in between their vomit-inducing reality shows? Lucy Ricardo is a whiner, a schemer, and a jealous and vindictive little witch. What, exactly, is there to love?
3. Beaver Cleaver.
Give me the irrepressible Ricky Nelson over Beaver Cleaver any day. God, how I despise this entire show! It’s not funny, it’s not clever and the Beav is a putz who if he existed in real life would have been beaten up so much he’d clearly have joined those little mental defectives in Columbine. If Jay North as Dennis the Menace is by far the single worst child actor in TV history, then Jerry Mathers was the most repellent. Beaver Cleaver is such a tool that if you ever do start watching this show you’ll just be waiting for the day when Eddie Haskell puts the Beav into a bag and tosses him over a bridge.
2. Gloria Stivic
Part of the repellent quotient of Lucy Ricardo is her extraordinarily annoying fake crying. I didn’t think it was possible, but Gloria Stivic is actually an even more annoying whiner. I’m still not sure whether the problem here is the character or the actress; Sally Struthers was never really appealing in anything. Eventually, Mike leaves Gloria and the only question hanging in the air is what the hell took so long.
Yeah, there’s no question who the most repellent character in American sitcom history is. Exidor is like a living embodiment of one of those comedy routines that the characters used to act out on the Dick Van Dyke Show. Remember how Buddy, Sally, Mel and the gang would sit laughing like it was the funniest thing in the world when Dick Van Dyke would act out one of the routines to be used on the show within the show and you would be sitting thinking “what the heck is so funny?” That was Exidor; the kind of character funny only to his creator and nobody else on earth. (Or so I thought until I began writing this article; further evidence that America is populated with an unhealthy amount of lobotomized zombies.) He was a minor recurring (too often recurring) character on Mork and Mindy and though you may think it beyond belief, he was actually more annoying than Mork himself. He was a lunatic who spoke to an invisible, well, yelled at an invisible friend and it was obvious to everyone but the show’s producers right from his very first appearance that he was not funny and merely annoying. Amazingly enough, there are actually people on the internet who noted the passing of the actor who played Exidor, Robert Donner, by claiming that they always laughed at him and that he was hilarious. Trust me, nothing could be further from the truth. There were a great many reasons why Mork and Mindy fell so far so fast (not to mention two other incredibly repellent characters, the brother and sister that owned the deli), but I will always believe that one of the main reasons is that people just got tired of Exidor showing up too often. Exidor was the kind of character that causes Jonestown-level mass suicides.